Response to an Infographic on People Pleasing

  ...

This article brought to you by the Peer Voices Network. Find us on YouTube at...
https://www.youtube.com/@peervoicesnetwork

Please consider donating to support this work. I am disabled, financially struggling, and am forced by existing social structures into producing content like this for free. I hope those with means and privilege will eventually shift priorities toward increased support for lived experience content generation and expertise sharing. Donations are never required and always appreciated. Donate Link: https://ko-fi.com/socialrealitylab

I am also available for consultation work, curriculum development, trainings, etc.. I enjoy partnering with organizations on development of more accurate understandings of social reality. 

I can be reached by email at taylor.geomatics@gmail.com

... 

Saw this infographic on trauma recovery social media and have some thoughts.

Here's my concern. I worry that what's not being discussed in the graphic is who or what is at fault for the feelings being describe here. If a person "has difficulty saying no" or "is anxious about self advocacy" is that more about...

A) A personal character and skills flaw

B) A social environment where being assertive isn't respected and is met with getting ignored, hostility, and violence

I've seen situations and both ends of that pendulum between A and B and a whole spectrum in-between. I've seen people in safe spaces with what we might call "unnecessary" fear. I've also seen people in current and real at-risk situations. 

And here's the problem - so much of modern mental health talk almost never talks about that latter situation. For example, look at this entry from a recent article about trauma recovery...

Right there in bold it declares "YOU ARE SAFE NOW".

Yes, it says "for those who are safe now". Well, great, what about those who aren't? Also, why put that disclaimer about "if you are" outside of the bold text? I see this article as nothing then an outright shaming of people who are stuck in abusive situations.

The point here is that sometimes (not always, but sometimes) people have nothing internally "broken" or "in need of self-fixing" wrong with them. Their people-pleasing is because almost all corners of society will punish them if they don't people-please. 

And rather than hold society accountable as one cause of these reactions, we ask or demand that trauma survivors, themselves, somehow fight back or flee the situation. Which is not a privilege available to many of them. And what I see far too little of is help with holding society partly accountable for why we see reactions in this iceberg. 

I don't see articles like mine here written enough and that's a problem.

...

 

Physical Violence and Mental Violence - Which is Really Worse?

 ...

Note: I am available for consultation work, curriculum development, trainings, etc.. I enjoy partnering with organizations on development of more accurate understandings of social reality. 

I can be reached by email at taylor.geomatics@gmail.com

Please consider donating to support this work. I am disabled, financially struggling, and am forced by existing social structures into producing content like this for free. I hope those with means and privilege will eventually shift priorities toward increased support for lived experience content generation and expertise sharing. Donations are never required and always appreciated. Donate Link: https://ko-fi.com/socialrealitylab

... 

My response tonight in reply to seeing this graphic...

Potentially controversial topic - I question how often we rank force (physical violence) as "worse" that the other topics listed.

In the context of autism, there is often such extreme social consequences for not masking, and the act of feeling, and being, forced into a lifetime of masking is something I'd describe as one of the most violent acts imaginable. People have, literally, lost entire childhoods and escaped into near-total dissociation because of reasons up to and including demands of compliance.

Cognitive or emotional pain of that kind seems like it's never given the same seriousness as physical pain.

Light physical pain can last a day or less. It's not okay. Not at all. It also carries emotional pain. But a single slap puts one into the red zone on this chart. While a lifetime of "should" leading to complete social death (complete burial of self) is just a rank 2 yellow level offense.

That doesn't seem correct to me.

This isn't to downplay or excuse physical harm. It is to say that I don't think we do a good job with how we think through either type of non-consensus offense (physical or mental). It says Body Safety Australia - which we need! What about maybe also having a Mind Safety Australia?

I will note that one thing alluring about critiquing physical violence is how provable it is. We can directly witness it. On camera, there's often zero doubt about it and concrete evidence. It leaves verifiable evidence (physical marks, scars, wounds, etc.). Maybe that's one reason it's seen as more serious? It's odd because humans seem like that can often recover way better and faster from light harm than they can from even light mental distress (though maybe that's just a horrific mischaracterization over what we "should" be able to recover from versus what we, in fact, are able to). I dunno and it's something to ponder.

As a final note, outside of the physical v. mental issue, I thought this graphic was absolutely wonderful and did a great job calling out the many kinds of non-consent that exist in this world.